life and adventures…

so, we are headed to banff ALberta this evening for a conference and Assembly with our Baptist Denomination, Canadian Baptist’s of Western Canada. We are really excited to get go. This is what it looks like.We are really excited to get to go to a new place. God is providing us with all sorts of Adventures.

We had a friend from back home, NGU, and who worked with me at Snowbird come to stay with us for a week this past week. He came as a representative of SWO’s house church, and their mission’s organiztion, SMOI, or teote, whatever it is called….www.teote.org. Having L.J. here was an incredible experience! It was super encouraging…I could spend a lot of time on how awesome it was to have someone here from home. We are incredibly blessed!We really had lots of fun. Clearly.

On a sad note, my mom told me yesterday that my maternal Great Grandmother,  Ollie Mae Rector, who is 96 years old is living in her last 24-48 hours. She has a long, hard life and is ready to be with her Savior. She has been the Religlious Matriarch on my mom’s side of the family, and has been a constant source of wisdom. She loves us all and we are torn, between not wanting to loose her and letting her go. She is ready. I am specifically having a hard time because I truly love my Great Granny, and I would give anything to have the opportunity to tell her goodbye. The hardest part of this for me is that I can’t be there to comfort and console my family. I am here, and will be in Banff for the next week, but the only place in the WHOLE world that I want to be in my momma’s arms. Please pray for my family.

Thanks ya’ll

to the face of death I say, God is enough.

A girl that I went to college with at North Greenville University passed away this week in a car accident. To her family, God is enough. I didn’t know Tiffany huff super well, but I did have some music classes, and concert choir with her. She was sweet and you could tell that she loved God. To her family, God is enough.

I had a friend that I grew up with named Julia Saunders, a great girl whom I loved pass away unexpectedly in May of 08. To her family, God is enough.

My paternal grandfather, Papaw, passed away after battling cancer for one year on December 21st 2006, 2 months after I got married, to my family, God is enough.

My maternal grandfather, Papaw Bud, just 7 months later on July 16th, 2007 passed away unexpectedly. To my family, God is enough.

I am trying to make sense of death, and life, breathing, God, sin, the world, the church, family, community, abortion, miscarriages,  infertility, being infertile, to those things I say

GOD IS ENOUGH.

And to make myself vulnerable, quite honestly it HURTS to say that.

was the gift of the magi gold… as in golden birthdays?

On December 23rd, I’ll be 23.  That means it’s my GOLDEN birthday. I’m having a hard time with it. I don’t feel I have contributed anything to the world. Or I guess that I am I thinking, this is my only golden birthday, and what do I have to show for my 23 years? not much if you ask me….Is this anything similar to a crisis of faith? I’m not bummed about my age…I am just bummed about the length of time which I have been alive, and not contributing anything to the world….

If they were me and if I were you, wouldn’t you have liked a present too?

Happy birthday, happy birthday…

so I’m having a hard time getting into birthday mode…

please tell encourage me…

How to profit from the coming rapture…

blank.

I always wish I had something great to write about on here. Save the baby humans, or save the dying people of the world, feed the masses or take a look because people are being treated unfairly…I do want those things to happen but I try not to be fixated on anything except Christ. I also refuse to use this blog as a daily journal or face book status/twitter “today I ran a marathon”, “I am eating pie” or”my life is completely focused on my political affiliation” OK…so I’m not that bitter. I know that we have all had our private little secrets that we ‘Blog” share, our victories, our opinions, our daily lives, and that is good right? But where does this stop and real, true, human to human relationships start? What about community? It’s one thing to be able to “blog’ share but why can’t we have that same thing in real life?

This is all coming from the fact that church-ministry, although our immediate calling, has negative sides. Maybe this is why i use the term immediate, do we think we will be in church work forever? yes! We value and believe in  the local body. Will our ministry always look like it does now? NO! it can’t…

any ministry that you do full time, and really any for that matter is lonely. there are huge lines and barriers that we can’t cross or move, or do anything about. 80% of our hurts, frustrations, daily drama, we can’t share with the majority of people who we see in our day to day lives. Also, ministry is discouraging, most of what we do, we will see no fruit from while we are here, so we learn to take pleasure in the little victories…but it’s usually not enough.

it’s easy to get lonely. it’s easy to get discouraged. it’s HARD to count it all joy.

I am terrible friend…ask anyone. I love people and once you’re in with me, you’re in for life. but I am NOT an out of sight out of mind person, no I think about you, and talk about you often, I am an out of sight, out of communication person. I hate phone conversations, I am awkward. I love texts, e-mails, face book, things where I can be involved but not really commit…However if I had my choice I would choose being in people’s presence. that is how I know I am a true human people lover. I love, to a fault, people. So, forgive me when we haven’t actually spoken in months, forgive me when I’m flighty and don’t call, forgive me for being in my own world…forgive me for not being committed, usually it’s just because it makes it harder when we have phone conversations. it makes you seem almost in my presence and it reminds that you are not. that you are far away and that I miss you. I know that I would be less lonely, and discouraged if  I these forms of communication were enough to satisfy, but they’re not…they just make it harder. Please do not use this as your excuse to stop communicating with me. maybe someday I will get over it…I am getting better anyway. and those of you “lifer” friends…new and old, i couldn’t have gotten this far in my communicational(yes that is not a real word) growth without you. don’t stop believing. “she’s just a small town, living in a lonely world”

I think I’m one the verge of something great here. Why is communion so important? Communion, community…maybe I should Greek it up right now. Brandon?

so back to real community. why is so hard to find, build, cultivate? is it  that I have super high standards or that once you are in real community and you have your “lifer” friends, that anything sub par will not meet up to those things? I have sneaking suspicions, a big part is not wanting to make effort…or something… who knows. any Freudian opinions out there?

sorry to ramble. my mind is blank.

this is from a new song I am trying to finish

“you say you can’t always count it joy, you’re in  the desert and you can’t afford, just to stop and take a moment to breathe because you might find you’re suffocating”

We are not citizen’s of this world.

seriously. what has the world come to?

wow.

I don;t have anything to say about this. except wow. Brandon wrote a bit about this here http://brandonmilan.wordpress.com/2008/09/03/it-was-only-a-matter-of-time/

and a little bit here

http://brandonmilan.wordpress.com/2008/10/13/the-truth-really-will-set-you-free/

also everyone who is anyone needs to read this….

http://arpritchett.wordpress.com/2008/10/23/the-tale-of-brandon-milan-slighty-exaggerated/

apathy

Our generation as young professionals in the church, or whatever you want to call us, we are searching for more. Ok, so you’re reading this statement and probably thinking, DUH. Basically what I’m trying to say is that our generation of believers are tired of the same old same old. Anytime we read a new book, or go to an event, listen to good music, see a good movie, talk about politics, talk about the future, we get excited. Now I know that some people aren’t so dramatic about it, for some of us, it’s just something in our hearts that trigger. None of this bad, but I just think that too many times, it’s not from a solid foundation. Most believers in our generation have seen the whole “camp high” experience, and I’m not saying that is bad, but don’t you remember our youth pastors, or mentors talking about having a solid foundation in Christ, not a camp high. Now that we are in youth ministry, I see this and even have talked to my girls about this quite a few times. So what I’m trying to say is, that yes we are going to have ups and downs, we are going to be excited and we are going to have times of apathy or complacency, I know this first hand. Someone recently told me the idea of a Jesus sneezer. Have you ever shaken hands with someone who has just sneezed, well you get fragments of their sneeze on you…Same idea…. someone who is crazy, passionate, hyper, uber zealous, but about Jesus…when you’re around them it rubs off on you. But how many times do we wipe off the transferred sneeze and go on about our lives…and how many times do we say that we long to be that sneezer?

We’ve seen it in the generations before us, The whole Jesus movement thing, people get excited, I promise it’s not a bad thing…It’s just that how many of us fall into that easy belief ism that isn’t solidly transfixed on Christ, His promise of redemption, and God’s word? How many of us upon reading a new book, or having our thoughts challenged completely change our idea of christianity? Maybe you don’t think you do, but i know I do, I know Brandon does….I’m tired of people being excited about new books, about politics, about their new passion for community, or for the poor, or social injustice. I want to see our generation,  especially me, be excited about CHRIST. And not just an excitement that provides good conversation, or that is just in our heads, or our hearts, but one that determines our every move, one that makes us rise to ACTION. Our excitement shouldn’t be driven just from new books, ideas, etc…but from Christ. God’s word taught us all of these ideas in the first place. I just don’t want to see us get caught up in the Jesus Cult, the Shane Claiborne Cult, the N.T. Wright Cult, The John Piper Cult, The christian community cult, the feed the poor cult…I just want all of us to fall passionately, deeply in love with Christ,  and let our actions and passions be as a result of that and only that.

I  want to clarify that reading books, and learning from intelligent Christians is not a bad thing, in fact it’s wonderful to have good resources.  Claiborne, Piper, Wright, and hundreds of other godly men and women have teaching that we should respect and listen to, but how much more can we learn from God’s word, how much more can we learn by looking at the heart of Christ and how much more can we do with a solid foundation of truth?

the times, they are achanging…

• okay, so I’m not the greatest blogger because I never know what to say. Should I give regular updates on my life? Should I only post things that I think are really important, like world issues, or ideas about God or new music…or should I give a play by play of my daily life…. OR (E) all of the above

• I don’t know if anyone reads this, but if you do check up on me..please let me know what you want from my blog…I can give you what you want..I just need to know what it is. For those of you who know me, remember how I cam people dependent? Yah? Well, this is proof of that. And for those of you who don’t know me very well, now you know this, so there ya’ go, that one’s for free.

here is an update.

• I spent the better part of July in North Carolina because my wonderful brother got married to an amazing woman. I have to admit that I had a hard time with this at first because I’m not great with change and I really didn’t know Jada very well. After a few meltdowns and talking things through with some good friends, who have the guts to tell me when I’m being stupid, I decided that it was cool. You see, you must realize that until the DAY I was married to Brandon, Adam was my world. Everything I was, everything I was going to be, was a reflection of him. There is still a lot of who I am that is because of Adam, even my marrying Brandon. After I got married though, our friendship was pretty strained, and even though I gained a new best friend, I thought that I had lost my old one, in Adam. I know that it was hard for him to be at home, unmarried and trying to start his own life but not knowing what the future held. Needless to say, I am glad that he is enjoying the blessings of marriage, even though things will never be the same again, he is my brother who I adore, and his being married has only brought us closer. Thank you sweet Jada for that.

• From my last post you can see that my 2 and 1/2 weeks away from Brandon was really really hard, and I think that I learned that even though NC is where I am from, it is no longer my home. My home will always be wherever Brandon is. Even if that means sub-arctic tundra, where the weather in September is equal to even the harshest winter in Western NC. When I got back it was still really nice weather, warm days, fairly cool nights, lots of great swimming, fishing, and riding bikes. Most of the people in town go to the lakes during the summer and our students were all over the place. It felt like Thompson only had about 8,000 people, when normally we’re anywhere from 15,000-30,000. I got lonely and bored, but the weekend before school started back, Labor day weekend, EVERYONE CAME HOME. Literally, all at once Thompson was full of people again. IT WAS MADNESS. I don’t know why I thought this was so crazy, but it’s me, I think lots of things are crazy. All of that to say, Life is busy again, our students are back, our ministry is in full swing and life is good. We send out e-newsletters monthly and usually update the newsletter with what is going on in our ministry, so I don’t want to repeat myself in this blog. If you don’t get that newsletter and you’d like to know that side of our life, e-mail us at themilans@gmail.com.

I have some other news for ya’ll, which you might not want to know, but it’s ever present on my mind these days and I have to get it out.

• My papaw, (paternal grandfather) died 2 months after we got married in December of 06. He had been sick with cancer for a year, and was like a second father to me, as he was only 64 when he passed. We lived with him and my grandmother my last 2 years of highschool, he and I were very close. 7 months later my Papaw Bud (maternal grandfather) passed away unexpectedly, and I was extremely close to him as well. All that to say I have experienced loss, and the pains of loosing loved ones, first hand. This was happening all while I was enjoying the bliss that comes with being a newlywed, working a pretty stressful, time demanding job, and going to school. With all of those things and the new self confidence from being married to the best husband EVER, I gained weight. A LOT. There are reasons, there are justifications I can make, but the real reason is that I have been very sad, and  very happy and nothing in between for the last 2 and half years. Then we moved to a different country, and the thing that I have had through all of this,consistently, is FOOD.

• A month before Adam got married, a friend who I had grown up with passed away unexpectedly. She was 24. I have heard a number of reasons for her passing and am still not 100% on why she died, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. It hurt. I hurt for who she was, and who she was going to be, I hurt for her family. I hurt because she and I were a lot alike in many ways. One way was a struggle with weight. Then Adam got married, so…I am dealing with, a bridesmaids dress, pictures, seeing everyone I’ve ever met , seeing people I hadn’t seen in a year and a half who I consider family, and seeing people who have known me and my family for a long time….and that is a recipe for MAJOR fat anxiety. I knew I had gained weight, I knew I looked different, I knew I had chopped my hair off, I knew I was dressing more like a woman and less like a smelly college kid who wanted to be like her smelly outdoorsy brother. I knew these things, and yet I didn’t. The whole time I was home I kept facing the fact that people didn’t recognize me, or if they did, then they went on and on about how different I was, and yes I am different, but I felt like they were all just saying, “wow, you’ve gotten really fat.” Now bear with me, I know that most people wouldn’t say that, and maybe not even think it, but my weight really is the biggest difference. I would on occasion, as a younger and thinner Leah,  dress up, and wear makeup, and no one would ever say, “wow you look so different, I wouldn’t have recognized you” so why would they say that now? Um, how about, 80 pounds really changes the way a person looks. DUH! I compensate, if my body isn’t looking great, you better believe my hair and makeup will. I am a compensation junkie. I need self esteem, even if it will rub off.

ALSO….We have a friend who was a missionary in the jungles of Peru, a friend who is like a brother, I actually have a few friend/brothers like that, but this guy is different. We worked at snowbird together, and for some reason he has always JUST gotten me. Before he left, he was a great, Godly, twenty-something outdoorsy guy. Now he is back after working for 2 years, and is still those things, but he is also very very thin, to the point where I think I might mention that he needs to EAT more fried chicken and drink chai latte’s. I can guarantee that when people see him, they aren’t saying, “wow you look so different, I wouldn’t have recognized you” (or they might be ) BUT I bet they’re saying, “wow you look great, you are so thin, you didn’t need to loose weight, and in fact you need to eat boy” well, maybe not, but that is what I would say.

This is all just an explination to say that through various circumstances, I have come to realize that I need to loose weight. I even got to such a point of desperation, that I was considering surgery, or diet pills, or nutrisystem or something.  So Brandon and I have made a huge change. No more eating out. (not there is anything much up here anyway) no more huge college boy portions, no more BAD southern cooking, and no more giving into weaknesses, and cravings.

• We are eating 1200-1500 calories a day. We eat low cal, low fat, low sodium, low sugar, and only eat grain, no white flour. We are eating lean meats and proteins, lots of raw veggies, lots of salads, fruit and berries, skim dairy, and like I said, whole wheats and grains. We are eating 5-6 small times a day, with the three important meals, and the rest are just snacks. We are trying to drink 3 liters of water a day, but most of the time it’s only 2, and we put in them no cal, no nothing, Crystal Light singles or sugar free red koolaid for Brandon. That goes in our water to make it taste good. The cool thing about this is that I have taken all of the foods that we loved (except the really bad stuff like fried things and pastries) and I have learned how to make them in a more healthy way. At first we felt like we eating all the time, b/c to go from eating 2-3 big meals a day to eating 5-6 little ones, you basically eat all day. Now we are getting hungry every few hours. We haven’t had a diet dr. pepper and we haven’t missed it…crazy huh? The best part of this is that we can do this for the rest of lives, I mean, it’s not rocket science, it’s not all that hard, and it’s not like we’re depriving ourselves. Also, the fact that I’m having to make everything from scratch because of preservatives, sugar and sodium, is making me a pretty good cook ( I know you’re in shock) but this is really good thing. We’ve done it on our own, no trainer, no nutrition expert, no pills, no diet books,no fad diet, no starving, just us, being smarter. We also have been trying to ride our bikes for about an hour 6 days a week, but now that it is cold, (YAH I KNOW IT”S ALREADY GETTING COLD…..where did we move to?????? AH!) now that is it is getting cold, our town is offering different fitness classes and we’re going to do those at least 3 days a week, and I’m going to try to do 6 days a week. However, if it is too expensive or I don’t like going that often, then we have some things that we can do here at home for the other 3 days a week. We even picked up an old 70’s exercise bike that we have named Donnie Osmond.

We have been doing this for 5 weeks, and have seen results already! I really don’t want to jynx it, but (DRUM ROLL PLEASE……..)

Brandon has lost 20 pounds, and I have lost 15…so, we’re stoked.

• I know this seems frivolous, maybe it doesn’t. But either way, as our family and friends, please support us and pray for us. Thanks.

oh and get back to me about what I should blog about.

Long Time Coming Home

I spent some time away from my husband recently and it was really hard. I was torn because I want to be with my husband here in Canada, but I also want to be back in North Carolina with family and everything familiar. So thats what this song is about.