Having a name

• Sometimes when we learn new things about ourselves, we are excited or scared, or even overwhelmed. For instance, my first year of college, I realized I am not good at math, and it’s not just because I hate it and it’s not because i don’t try, and it’s not because of some educational gap. I’m just not good math. And it’s because I have poorly developed non-verbal problem solving skills, a learning difference. I’m not one to push learning disabilities, but this is something that made me finally wrap my mind around the fact that I think differently, and it took someone shoving it in my face for me to get that. Now, some of you might think, wow she is totally self diagnosing, or you might be thinking “ya know that’s true, she does get a little stressed when she has to make decisions or figure something out” The truth is, I have found freedom from this realization. Coming to grips with this lets me understand that I am not stupid, I am not a failure, and now I can move on.

• When we find things in life that give an explination for shortcomings, or health issues, it can often give us a sense of freedom. Even if nothing will be changed, or made better, having a reason or an explination just makes you think, wow, this is ok, I can deal with this.

• I have recently discovered something that explains the health issues I’ve been dealing with since 17.  It is a little bit scary, but more than anything  it gives me freedom. It links everything I’ve been through together and honestly, helps with some of the more problem causing emotions. I’m not alone, this is not a mystery, I can go up from here, and most of all, this is something I can deal with, talk about, cry about and the only difference is that it has a “name”

• I think the underlying issue here is not finding freedom, but having hope. Hope that in this life, we are not alone, others have been through things that are much worse, or much the same. Your problem is not worse than mine, and mine is not worse than yours. Hope is something that gives freedom. Hope that things will work out, even if they don’t look how you’d imagined, they still work out. There is something that steals hope, it’s when others treat your issue as if it’s not as bad as what they have been through, or make you feel guilty for being upset or for struggling. I will admit, that there have been times when I have been angry with God. There have been times when I have fought to keep my head above the water. Just because I”m hurting and have been hurting and will continue to hurt does NOT mean that I am not a strong Christian. It also doesn’t mean that I don’t have hope, or that I’m not trusting God. It means that I am mourning. Mourning things that will never come for me, things that I expected but will never have. I am tired of feeling guilty, I am tired of being lonely. For now, I have a “name” and I have hope.